The Chemistry Escalation Dating Mindset
Whenever we seek to improve ourselves in any aspect of life, whether it’s taking law classes at a university, learning to play the piano, or getting into shape, the most beneficial place for us to start is to examine and improve our mindsets, and the same goes for dating and relationships. I believe in this so strongly that I’ve dedicated the first real article on my blog to writing about it.
If we start to learn something new, but we have negative mindsets around it, I’ve found that somewhere down the line, our results will begin to suffer because of these beliefs. And by suffer, I mean our beliefs will hold us back in ways that we will be blind to, and we won’t be able to fully experience the benefits that we’d have with the right mindsets.
Let’s dive deeper into the concept with 3 real life examples that I’ve seen consistently throughout the work I’ve done with men and women in the dating field over the past 13 years…
Let’s take on the concept of scarcity mentality first. Scarcity mentality is the mindset that something is scarce. A common scarcity belief held by women is that “there are no good men left”. Another scarcity mindset is “I don’t know where to look for/meet men.” By examining world population statistics, we can easily determine that there are approximately the same amount of men in the world than there are women (women outnumber men by a very small percentage). So if that’s true, and it is, then men can’t possibly be scarce.
That’s a simple trick to logically disprove the mindset, but we must still account for the perception factor. This means that it is still possible that men can be rare for a woman, so to figure that out, we must ask the question “What must be true for someone to believe that?” From there we must imagine what it’s like to view the world from the perspective of a woman who thinks men are rare, we have to get into her head.
For a woman to have scarcity mentality, this might be true that she is in an environment where very few men are present, and/or that she has very few interactions with single men. It might be true that there are men around and she has very few interactions with them. It might be true that there are men around and she has interactions with them, but her conversations are so poor that she has repelled the supply of men around her. It may also be true that she has so many behaviors that men find unattractive that she is unconscious of, and you could put this woman in an environment with only men and none of them would be interested in a relationship with her.
As is evident by the exercise above, we can start to see not only why a woman thinks men are scarce, but what behaviors and mindsets she needs to change so that she can move from a scarcity mindset to an abundance mindset. It should be entirely clear why doing the mental improvement work around this mindset should be one of the first challenges to deal with when making the effort to improve your dating prospects and abilities.
Next up we have neediness. Neediness is a behavior in which a woman seeks the attention from men or a relationship status with a man she is seeing. When a woman shows that she desperately needs attention from a man, she is really displaying to him that she is insecure. This is naturally unattractive to a man because evolution has trained us all to stay away from people who are going to use up our resources and/or hinder our chances of survival.
Imagine that everyday your co-worker asks you to check their work before they turn it in to the boss because they’re afraid if it isn’t good enough, the boss will fire them. After a few days of this, it’s going to get tiring and you’re not going to want to keep doing it because it only plays into their irrational fear of not being good enough. This concept is the same reason why men aren’t attracted to women who are insecure.
It’s very draining and tiring to always be trying to make someone feel better, and really it just shows him that you’re weak-minded because you’re not in control of your irrational fears. To a man, this means that you are a detriment to his survival instead of a contributor towards it. He will see you as a waste of his energy, energy that will be better spent on literally anything else.
Very often, these types of women are very giving. They give because they see it as a way to get acceptance from a man and think that the man should give back to the relationship and to her, but often times these women are completely unaware of their insecurities and how at the same time they are pushing away the very men they are trying so hard to keep.
Thus the woman ends up exhausting herself in the process too, and by the time the relationship is over, she is mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and sometimes physically drained. The woman, still incapable of seeing how her own insecurities have ruined the relationship, will feel betrayed and used by the man she drove away, and she will be left broken-hearted and confused.
Our last example is control. Many women try and exert control over things in or about a relationship that are not in their hands. For instance, they try and control the outcome of the relationship, or they try to get a man to put a label on the relationship before he’s ready to. These tactics may work sometimes, but more often than not they create silent resentment in men, or worse, cause men to act before they are ready to. When this happens, the woman creates the illusion that the relationship has moved forward, meanwhile she is completely unaware that the man is backtracking and second-guessing things. Eventually this causes a breakdown of the relationship and the woman is left to pick up the pieces wondering why it all fell apart.
Another instance of a woman trying to control things in a relationship is when, typically after a fight but also any time after a man has had something significant happen (death of a family member, loss of a job, etc), she chases him to get him to talk. It’s natural for a woman to want to talk out her feelings and frustrations, she does this with her girlfriends all the time, but it’s different for men.
They don’t want to talk, they want time to think. Yes, men need time alone to process their thoughts and feelings, and being chased and pressured by a woman before they have time to process things on their own is only going to cause a simmering pot to angrily boil over. While venting his emotional frustrations may sound like the solution to the problem for a woman, this is not the solution men want or need. Men would much rather give the problem the time and space it needs to resolve itself than to force it to resolve and delve into his negative emotions.
A final example of women trying to control relationships is when they try to force a man to change to be who they want them to be. This is often done through the use of some type of manipulation, whether it be by nagging, trying to plead in a cutesy way, or by just demanding he change and punishing him if/when he doesn’t. Obviously this isn’t a healthy behavior, and it’s going to breed resentment, which we know will come back to sabotage the relationship in some way later.
These 3 examples are only a small portion of the mindsets a woman must improve if she is to become successful with men, but it should be absolutely clear why these mindsets, and mindsets in general, should be handled at the beginning of any self improvement journey. When your mind is clear, your path to success is clear.
A woman who is well adjusted, who has done enough personal growth work on her emotions, mentality and social development, can handle all of these examples gracefully. As stated above, sometimes these bad mindsets may work out in her favor, but the problem is that it produces inconsistent results. A woman who has herself worked out and acts in healthy ways will be seen as a woman of value by men, as they see her display her character, and a woman’s character is worth it’s weight in gold to the right man.