Missing Context Creates Bad Dating Advice
Missing Context Creates Bad Dating Advice
I’m writing this post because small omissions or seemingly subtle context shifts can leave large and inadvertent impacts on people. This is important to me because when I went through my coaching training, I was taught 3 very simple ethical questions for coaching:
1. Is it safe for who I’m coaching?
2. Is it safe for those around them?
3. Is it safe for the planet?
If my advice doesn’t adhere to those 3 criteria, I’m not supposed to give it. I must think through this process BEFORE advising my clients.
This post is prompted by missing context in THIS video:
The Problem: The Title vs. The Reality
The video is titled:
1. “How to stop obsessing over your ex’s new girlfriend”
That title creates a very specific expectation. Without directly saying so, it implies that the viewer is the one suffering mentally because she is engaged in obsessive thinking.
But almost as soon as the video starts, the roles reverse and the man is suddenly described as an “abusive” ex.
Maybe he is. Maybe he isn’t.
That isn’t the point.
The point is that many women who are obsessively thinking about their ex’s new girlfriend, and whose exes are NOT abusive, will take this advice and apply it to their situation, EVEN THOUGH IT DOESN’T FIT THEIR CONTEXT.
That can be damaging.
At the time of this posting, the video has 943 views. That could be 941 women receiving advice that does not match their situation (cuz I’ve viewed the video at least twice now.)
When context is missing, advice is misapplied. And when advice is misapplied, it makes things worse.
Why Context Matters
There’s a lot of nuance here.
The title does not mention abuse. It’s only mentioned once the video begins. Many viewers will go into the video expecting general advice about obsessive thinking, not advice specific to dealing with an abusive ex. Even if abuse is mentioned early on, many viewers may gloss over that detail and apply the advice broadly. Advice framed for one scenario should not be presented as if it applies to all scenarios.
A Real-World Example
Let me paint a picture.
As a man who just dealt with my ex stalking my new girlfriend and I, absolutely none of this advice makes any sense to me anyway.
After my now-stalker ex cheated on me, I focused on upgrading my SELF and finding a BETTER girlfriend. And yes, I treat my new girlfriend better, not because of whatever nonsense is said in the video, but because SHE DESERVES IT. She does far more for me than the cheating ex did.
After the cheating, my ex got into a relationship with the guy she cheated on me with. She posted a picture of them to Facebook saying “Finally a healthy relationship,” implying that I was the unhealthy one.
Only a few months into their relationship, she told me they were “on a break” and explained why. Eventually, I cut her off.
Almost a year later, the stalking started.
Why did the stalking start? Because her relationship was failing again, she got nosy about me and when she spied on us, she saw how wonderful I was treating my new girlfriend.
She got extremely jealous because she still harbored feelings for me.
We knew she was watching us and we knew she would escalate things at some point, so we knew what to look out for.
One day after she saw photos and videos of us celebrating our first year together, she lost her mind, created a fake Facebook account, and messaged my new girlfriend.
You know what she tried to do?
She tried to break me and my girlfriend up so she could get back together with me.
It was my new girlfriends idea to let her believe she had succeeded, so we faked a breakup on Facebook. She contacted me within 24 hours and tried to get me to initiate a relationship with her.
I told her I would not get involved with someone who was in a relationship, that I refused to do to him what he did to me (get involved with a woman currently in a relationship/help her cheat), and that if she wanted me back she would have to end things with him first.
So she did just that.
I talked to her for about 2–3 weeks and then ghosted her, effectively doing to her what she tried to do to me.
What she didn’t count on was that the relationship I have now is actually healthy. It isn’t perfect, but we communicate. We don’t hold things in. We state our needs and ask for them to be met.
The unhealthy one is still unhealthy, despite her belief that she was ever in a “healthy” relationship with the guy she cheated on me with.
All of that to say: one should seriously consider who exactly the unhealthy one really is.
Just because your perspective is that it’s someone else, doesn’t mean it is. If you have mental neuroses, it is YOUR responsibility to deal with them.
Breaking Down the Advice
The video states:
2. “[The new girlfriend is] probably docile, she should never bring anything up that bothers her, or point out things he needs to work on, never challenge him, never have any needs, and that is not the woman you want to be”
Let’s break this down.
“Docile”
Docile means “willing to accept control or instruction; submissive.”
What is inherently wrong with a woman being docile?
Men are not attracted to women with masculine energy. In a relationship, someone is going to lead. A relationship cannot have two leaders, just as a ship cannot have two captains.
It does not work long term.
So let the man lead. If you don’t like how he is leading, you talk to him about it. If a mutual understanding cannot be reached, you leave.
But first, you LISTEN. You may not like how he is leading, but you also may not understand his reasons for doing what he’s doing. At least give him the opportunity to explain and discuss it before leaving.
“She should never bring anything up that bothers her”
This would absolutely bother an abusive ex.
But here’s the nuance: many women misunderstand men, and when men do not fit the model women THINK they should, men are often labeled “abusive.”
Not fitting expectations does not automatically equal abuse.
A woman should absolutely and VERY CLEARLY communicate when something bothers her. Failing to do so has negative consequences.
Had my ex communicated what was bothering her, I would have changed things in a heartbeat. Instead, she stayed silent, our situation worsened without my knowledge, and it ended with cheating.
A man who values the relationship WILL listen and MAKE necessary changes, but he has to be given the chance first.
I wasn’t given that chance.
“Never challenge him”
Why challenge him?
Are you competing with him?
A challenge is something an opponent does, not something a partner does.
That doesn’t mean you can’t express yourself. It means you can say what you need to say in a cooperative, not combative, way.
“Never have any needs”
Anyone who shows no concern for their partner’s needs is not a good partner.
But lack of awareness, lack of experience, or lack of understanding does not automatically equal abuse.
Not everything unhealthy is abusive. Not everything immature is malicious.
There are other explanations.
The Larger Issue
No other context is given in the video as to why the man may or may not be abusive.
How does the creator know he was abusive? What details were left out? What evidence is the audience missing?
Advice built on assumptions should not be presented as universally applicable.
Missing context creates bad advice.
And bad advice, when applied to the wrong situation, can make things worse, not better.
Before giving advice, we should ask:
Is it safe?
If context is missing, the answer may be no.